Friday, April 3, 2009

New Baby, Thoughts on my Job, and Acceptance.

1. The new baby is PERFECT! We love her. And once I get home from work I will try to upload a picture or two of her. But no promises because our internet is SO SLOW right now. I hate dial up.
2. My job is driving me crazy. Cray-zay! I was so frustrated on Wednesday that I felt like...well, not quite crying, but I was pretty bummed. I don't know. Our new hygienist Missy was here and so was Pam and Maria and when there are other people here my doctor hardly ever talks to me. I think I just figured out that she doesn't need to talk to me when there are other people here. And that's fine. It's just that for the longest time I thought she wasn't talking to me cause she was, I don't know, mad at me? I was at the hospital with Jacqueline on Wednesday morning till 2 AM. I didn't get home till 2:30 AM and I called my doc around 6:45 and left a message on her phone saying I'd be in late. In time for our N2O patient (my co-worker doesn't assist on N2O patients), but not by 8 AM. Honestly, I just couldn't survive off 3 hours of sleep. I ended up calling Pam too since I couldn't speak directly to Dr. H. and I let her know what was going on. When I got to work I found out that Missy was working. I didn't think she was coming in till Thursday so I wasn't there to help her out on her first day (I could get her x-rays, instruments, etc if I had been there, but instead Pam had to double between Doc and Missy). I thought Dr. H was mad at me for not coming in on time. It made me really upset. And then I shook myself and told myself, "I only had 5 hours of sleep (which was interrupted because I woke up to call in and say I'd be late), I just witnessed an intense and emotional situation while helping Jacqueline deliver Olive. I have 2 classes today besides work and I think that what I'm feeling is just exhaustion." And yes, I was exhausted. Knowing what I'm feeling definitely helps me get through a tiring situation, but it doesn't change the fact that since I took this job here with Dr. H I have felt so inept and insecure at my job. I've never felt this way. At all my other jobs I was one of the best employees, I gave 110% effort, I enjoyed myself (except for my brief time at Country Hell. I mean Country Treasures.) and was pretty satisfied with the work I did. I know that all jobs have their ups and downs, but this one has had a lot of downs. I feel like I've tried really hard to be a team player. I've been really flexible with my hours (I took a cut in hours and pay to come work for her and I've covered lots of shifts for my co-workers when they were sick, on vacation, or just needed time off for personal things like out-of-town company/ dr. appts), I don't even really assist that much, I spend time assisting, working the front office and then on Fridays that we aren't seeing patients I clean the office. I've worked hard, but I've had a hard time adjusting to being 1 of 3 assistants and sharing rooms and adapting to different systems than what I was used to when I was Dr. H's only assistant and I had my own system and knew what was in my room(s) at all times. It's a big change. I feel like those things aren't noticed and the only things that are really noticed are when I get something wrong. Like times when I don't know where to place the suction, or what to put into each room for a procedure, etc things that slow us down. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be praised every time I do something right. It's just that I feel like I'm not doing anything right and my Dr isn't really communicating whether or not I am really irritating her or whether she is just stressed out about beginning her own practice and it is making me so frustrated. It's just so different from the other office and from what I thought it would be. I can't wait to go to school this fall so I can leave. I hate feeling that way.
I stopped by Dr. Bonner's office yesterday to show them pictures of the baby (I was showing her picture to anyone who would look at it...she is such a beauty!) and it was so good to see everyone. They seemed happy to see me. Even Dr. Bonner. He gave me a hug and told me not to be a stranger. And to bring more cookies next time (I stopped in during Christmas to drop off some cookies I had made). I missed them. It is nice to know that someone is glad to see you. Throughout the years I've struggled with self-esteem and have had a hard time believing people like me or enjoy my company. Another reason why I'm having a hard time with all that is going on at work.

3. So yeah, I guess now would be a good time to mention that I was accepted to WVU's Nutrition Program! This August I should be moving to Morgantown and working towards becoming a Registered Dietician. I'm really excited about it. Scared, but excited. :)

I hope it will be a good situation. I hope I will learn a lot and enjoy what I'm learning. I hope that what I'm learning will help me be healthier. I just hope I make the most of each opportunity that presents itself and that I will grow closer to God and meet new friends and enjoy being more independent. And I hope that I will find a job that I enjoy! I hope that regardless of my situation I will find time to give thanks for all the blessings I have and that I will see beauty in every day. And I hope I will still be able to be a big part of my niece's life. It makes me sad to think that I'll miss out on a lot of her baby-hood. I just really hope that one day I'll grow up and stop caring about what others think and that I'll be sure of myself and not easily intimidated by others. I hope that the only thing that will matter is what God thinks of me and that I won't feel like I need other people to respect me.
Being young/growing up is not a picnic. Life in general is not a picnic, but if I had to say one thing right now to younger girls it would be: Don't be fooled by what you see on TV, watch on movies, read in books about what youth and childhood and teenage years are supposed to be like. In a lot of ways life is what you make it. You have some decision in how you want to view things. You can see the glass as half-empty or half-full. And trust God and believe that He loves you.

On another note, Becca and I are moving out west to find ourselves husbands. I'll let you know how that goes. It can't be until I finish school so we have 2 years to plan it out and decide if we really want to go. Hopefully there will still be some good guys left when we get there. *cheesy grin* :)

Okay, I'm officially done complaining. I didn't want to use this blog for a dumping ground, but I had to get some of this stuff out of my mind and out where I could see it and analyze it and eventually come back to and say, "that was silly and didn't even matter in the long run."

Now I'm going to go enjoy my weekend and cuddle my niece. She is just SO beautiful. And sweet. And she smells good. And her skin is so soft. So so soft. And her little fingers and toes are so itty bitty. You should see how small her fingernails are. And did I mention that she's beautiful?

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